well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
