Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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