I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
