the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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