went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
sarcasm needs its own font
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
