please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
