The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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