I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
