So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
