You're my little dorito
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
