I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
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