If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
