I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Vodka?
Forever.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
