I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Randomize