just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
