everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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