So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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