Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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