Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Randomize
