I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
someone threw a dead crab at me
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
Randomize
