question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
