I got chris browned last night
Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
