someone get that fucking seahorse.
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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