I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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