I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize