We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
