Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Oh god it's open bar.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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