Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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