I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
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