i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
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