Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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