you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize