Life is so much better after having sex.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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