so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
The impromptu 'dance party' was just three white dudes flailing arrhythmically in the kitchen in absolute silence. Stone cold sober.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
