I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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