After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
How was it?
i think i smell bacon but im to sore to walk downstairs. that kinda night
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