Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
