Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
You're breaking my sexual little heart
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
