Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Your dad touched me again.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
