I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize