Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
