you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
