I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize