Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
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