pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
