I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
