Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Randomize