I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
