i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
True college students do jello shots in the library
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
