The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
His roommate left already and took the beer pong table so we had to take off his bedroom door. Maybe res life won't notice.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
