We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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