i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
