On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
