is your mom at the bar?
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
