I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Randomize
