My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
