just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
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