Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
