Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
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