WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
